To be honest, I can’t even remember the last time I blogged. This week feels like foreeeverrr, and I’m desperate for a new week. New start. But that’s why I’m thankful for the rain. We here in Holland have experienced rain every single day (at least for a small portion, if not hours upon hours), and after what happened last weekend, I’m so grateful for the earth – myself – my memory – to be washed clean.
Early Saturday morning, I became ill. Like, the kind-of-sick you only experience every decade. Where you don’t know whether to sit on the toilet or put your head in it. I had the wonderful dilemma of needing both options at the.exact.same.time. You can probably imagine how that went. So, this weekend was no picnic.
Now, for most folks, a couple days at most and they can jump right back on the bandwagon and start exercising, eating normally, even drinking. But, when I get sick like that, my whole world gets shifted. Turned upside-down. And I’m stepping on egg-shells. To put it lightly, I have extreme health anxiety. It began a decade ago. Before I knew better. Before I knew how to conquer it. Before I believed in the healing power of Jesus Christ and the strength He provides.
And it was hell.
And that’s the thing about fear. Any kind of fear. It finds the perfect opportunity to sabotage your mind, and when it finds your weak spot, it hits hard. Crawling into every crevice and wrapping doubt around every line of self-talk.
But this time its different. I know I can succumb to fear. I’ve seen myself completely debilitated by the power of the devil and his motives to make me as unlike Christ as possible. I was not created to be a being a fear. And the good news? I know how to defeat it.
I wish I could say that I’ve used every tactic in my book, and I’m right back to where I was a week ago. I can’t. I was defeated by fear this weekend, and I’ve lost my safety net of security and have been dodging panic attacks left and right. But I am acknowledging that this is not me. This is not who I was intended to be.
So for now, I’m taking so much hope in my Savior. And His healing -truly, healing– power.
“He took up our infirmities and carried our diseases.” Matthew 8:18
I know that my circumstances in this season doesn’t change that God is still God. And He’s still on the throne in Heaven, and He still rules. And He’s still bigger than EVERYTHING I’m facing.
And if you’d please pray that God would continue to put a wall of spiritual protection around my thoughts and heart, I would be so grateful! Thank you, friends!