I didn’t intend on getting a tattoo on my birthday. It’s not everyday you wake up and think to yourself, I’m going to permanently alter my body with needles and ink in a place where my mother would be very uncomfortable. But as I counted down the minutes until 12:00AM on November 2 (very Harry Potter-esque), nothing happened. I realized – again – that I’m a grown-up now with bills and a business and a husband. Gone are the days of birthday bingo with nail polish prizes and Barbie cakes, costume parties and bowling alleys and flirting with the ball boy. I fell asleep very set on another day of life. Another year older and another year wiser, but I was planning on a low-key, “adult” friendly birthday celebration.
When Adam left early for work at 6:30AM, I just couldn’t fall back to sleep. I still feel giddy on my birthday, and I’m trying to make a conscious effort to intentionally live each day. I decided I would get a tattoo for my birthday present for me. I texted Adam (received the expected “whaaaaa?” response [see below]) and contemplated for three hours just what I wanted. Many things today are part of fads and are very, very cool (white ink, infinity, “love,” dandelions). In fact, I’ve always planned on getting a dandelion on my shoulder and have the whispies blowing around to the front. But I knew I needed something that fit me. That fit my story.
do not tremble.
the battle is not yours.
At the moment, I’m not sure how much of my anxiety I’ve brought to the Internet’s attention. But long story short, I’m genetically and chemically dispositioned with panic disorder. I don’t go around waving my arms like a bird if I freak out in Meijer (although I do wave my arms in the air singing “Eh, oh!”). Panic attacks are different for everyone. I experience them infrequently and usually in the middle of the night. The closest I can relate it to is a seizure. I shiver and shake. My heart races and my limbs don’t feel a part of my body. I can’t get myself to stop. While I don’t expect others to carry the same beliefs, I believe part of the severity of my attacks are spiritual in nature. That’s why I choose the phrase I did. That’s why I had to share part of my story. I wanted to see the words of my Father whenever I start to panic. To know that I don’t have to tremble. The battle is not mine to fight.
My birthday rocked in many other ways too, I’ve got to say. Sweet cards and drawings from my nieces and nephews. Lots of phone calls from family across the country and visits from family close by. And a delicious homemade dinner and dessert date with my Love.
The best birthday yet. I told you.
Instagram is a free app for iPhones (and now Androids!) that features various filters that are easy-to-use and make posting to Twitter, Facebook, and my blog (with the help of a personally-made Photoshop template), easy-peasy! You can follow me @brennigan)
Cheers to another year! I’ve got a lot to live up to! 🙂
Happy Monday. Don’t forget (how could you with Facebook?) to vote tomorrow! Whether you’re Republican or Democrat or prefer to not with either, you’ve been blessed with a privilege to help contribute to your home, your country. If I exhale and you inhale, what I do eventually affects you. Even in the smallest of ways, happenings across the globe will come back to change your life.